Goblins, the Loincloth, and Me

Seriously, that damn god, forget cheats, I don’t even have clothes on me!

Calm down, me. Count prime numbers. In times like this, you’ve just gotta prioritize what to do and tackle things one by one.

First, I need drinking water.

No, wait. Shoes come first. Even a small cut could get infected and turn serious. I don’t know if bacteria even exist in this world, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

I peel some bark, tie it with vines, and use fallen leaves as insoles.

Man, I’m glad I watched Naked and Marooned Naked and Marooned is a survival documentary on Discovery Channel following former British Army Captain Ed Stafford. on Discovery Channel.

Thank you, Ed!

Next is water. Humans can’t last more than three days without it. No matter how tough you are, you’ll die after a few days.

There are several ways to find water. The quickest is to look from a high place.

You can climb a tall tree or a mountain. There don’t seem to be any mountains nearby. Climbing trees is the only option, then. This forest must be a primeval woodland untouched by humans, as it’s full of ancient, long-lived trees.

There are plenty of tall trees, so finding a vantage point to look down from shouldn’t be a problem. However, climbing trees completely naked is a high hurdle. Most of the bark is tough, so the risk of injury is high.

If I had shoes, I could tie the laces together and wedge them for grip while climbing. But I’m naked. No shoes, no laces, nothing but bare skin.

In trouble, I recall something from Disc*very Channel again. Some trees have vines hanging from above.

If I find one of those, I can climb up like a rope. Thank you, Bear Grylls. Bear Grylls, a British adventurer and survival expert who hosts the survival series Man vs. Wild on Discovery Channel.

After walking a bit, I was lucky enough to find a tree with vines hanging down. Gripping the vine, I climb up carefully, and reach a branch near the top.

I’m spooked by the height; my balls tighten with fear. If I fall, it’s over. I wrap a vine around my arm and look around.

The trees are dense and block the view, but I manage to spot a river.

Yes! I’m saved. Whoa, that was close. In my joy at securing some water, I lost my balance and nearly fell to my death.

I’ve heard that more accidents happen coming down trees than climbing up. Probably because people let their guard down. I descend carefully.

Good thing I found that river. I’ll have a steady source of water now. If I hadn’t found it, I’d have to look for moss that grows near moisture or draw water from trees that store it. 

But water sources with moss growing around them could just be dirty puddles. And since I don’t understand the plant life in this world, I can’t tell which trees store water. Plus, I don’t have any tools to cut them open.

There’s also the option of tracking animals and letting them lead me to a water source, but that’s difficult. There’s also the risk of running into dangerous wild animals.

After all, there are monsters in this world. That makes it more dangerous than any forest on Earth. I’ll have to move carefully.

Fortunately, I managed to find a river right away. It looks like I can get drinking water without resorting to those risky methods.

Water sources tend to attract animals. Staying alert for monsters, I cautiously approach the river. The creatures living in the water will tell me whether the river is safe or not.

If there are shrimp or the like, it’s a sign the water’s clean. If there are insect larvae, I’ll need to boil it first. This is only a general rule of thumb, but it is another world after all.

The usual logic from Earth might not apply here. To be safe, I should boil the water before drinking it.

Ideally, I’d filter out impurities too, but unfortunately, I’m completely naked. Although I’d like to make a filter from materials in the forest, I have no idea how to do it.

I know how to make a water filter using a plastic bottle, but I can’t think of any way to build one using only what’s available in the forest, especially while I’m completely naked.

There’s no end if I start wishing for more. For now, at least I’ve secured a source of drinking water. I’ll need to find a base before the sun goes down.

A short distance from the river, I found a hollow in a tree. The inside is surprisingly spacious, and it looks like it could keep out the rain and wind. If I camouflage the entrance, it could make a decent shelter.

Somehow, I’ve managed to secure drinking water and set up a base. I fashioned a loincloth out of tree bark to cover myself. At least a shred of my human dignity has been preserved. It’s hard to stay calm when everything’s just hanging out in the open.

I carefully tested any nearby fruits and other things that looked edible, using a patch test to check for safety before eating them.

Fortunately, this forest is rich in food. It doesn’t look like I’ll have to worry about starving anytime soon.

I’ve always wondered about something when watching stories like this: why do the protagonists set off without any real preparation? They don’t even know how far the nearest town is, and they just start walking without food or water.

I could never do that. At the very least, I’d need to secure a water source first. Otherwise, I’d be too scared to move at all.

Until I’ve stocked up on smoked meat and dried fruit for rations, I’ve decided to not leave the forest. 

First, though, I need to make a fire.

I rub sticks together, tearing the skin on my hands, and somehow manage to start a fire. Thankfully, the forest isn’t too humid, and neither has it rained recently.

The most important thing for starting a fire is dryness. It’s not widely known, but the type of wood you use also matters.

Since fire is made by generating heat through friction, you want wood that offers a moderate amount of resistance. If it’s too soft and porous, or if the resistance is so strong that the stick can’t turn, it becomes hard to make a fire.

When rubbing the stick, focus on creating friction rather than just spinning it fast. Press down from above while rotating the stick.

I’ve seen videos online where people start a fire using friction in less than a minute.

That speed comes from using dry air and properly prepared wood.

In other words, if you have the right tools and follow the correct steps, starting a fire is actually easier than you might think.

In humid places like tropical rain forests, starting a fire is much more difficult. If you’re unlucky, you could rub sticks together all day and still fail to make one.

This time, I was fortunate. I managed to get a fire going, though the skin on my hands ended up in tatters. I was lucky to start it before the sun went down and darkness fell.

When I first found myself completely naked, I had no idea how things would turn out, but fortune seems to be on my side. I’ve secured a source of drinking water and found a base of operations.

I also managed to start a fire before nightfall, and I’ve eaten some fruit, taking in at least a few calories.

As far as first days go, this one has been almost perfect.

Next, I need to hunt for prey and make smoked meat. It will probably take a lot of trial and error. I do not have essentials like salt or brine solution either.

Still, as long as I can remove the moisture, the meat should keep for a while. The same goes for fruit. I will also need to make a canteen from animal hide.

It is already getting dark. That is enough for today. There is still plenty to do, but for now I should get some sleep.

While I was sleeping, I woke up to an intense itch. My crotch was covered in insect bites.

The most important part of me was burning and itching.

Damn it. I forgot to smoke my bark loincloth to keep the bugs away.

What a miserable experience. Some insects can carry diseases too. I probably cannot prevent every bite, but I will have to be more careful.

The next morning, I struck stones together to make stone tools and peeled the bark off a tree. It was to make a pot for boiling water. Surprisingly, fresh wood that still holds moisture doesn’t burn easily.

If it’s just for boiling water, it can handle being placed over a fire. I knew that much from survival knowledge, and on a school trip to an Ainu museum, I’d seen pots on display made from beautifully processed tree bark.

I have the knowledge and I’ve seen the real thing. My crafting skills are poor and I don’t know the proper techniques, but it’s not impossible to make one.

Even if I can’t make something as fine as those, I should at least be able to make a pot for boiling drinking water.

Still, some trees are poisonous, so I need to test it by drinking just a little and seeing what happens. My throat is dry, and the river looks clean enough to drink from. I’m tempted to drink it as it is, but I hold myself back.

When I drank the water I’d boiled in the bark pot, I thought, “It smells so damn organic.” I gagged without meaning to. The woody scent was overpowering.

If I keep using it for a while, the smell will probably fade, but for now it’s intense. Even after some time, though, I didn’t feel any change in my condition. So despite the awful smell, it doesn’t seem harmful.

With tears in my eyes, I drank down the foul, organic-tasting water.

After that, I climbed a tall tree to check my current location. I kept climbing carefully until I reached a height where I could see the area around me.

When I was looking for a water source, I had climbed a tall tree too, but back then I was focused entirely on finding the river. Because of that, I hadn’t really taken the time to look around properly.

This time, I carefully scanned the surroundings. Unfortunately, I couldn’t spot any roads, buildings, or anything man-made.

I looked around again, but all I could see was an endless forest. How long would it take to get out of this place?

To make it through the forest, I’d need to gather a lot of food that would last. I’d have to hunt animals with traps and secure meat that could be preserved.

To secure food, I decided to start hunting in earnest.

Several days after I began hunting, I encountered a monster for the first time. I had set up a simple trap to catch animals and was waiting in a tree when the monsters appeared.

“Grah-gya grah-gya!”

“Gyah-gah gyah-gyah!”

“Gya-gya-gya!”

It was my first encounter with a monster everyone knows well. The good old goblin. Whoa, they really do say “gyah-gah.” This is wild, I’m actually getting excited.

The goblins walked toward the trap I had set up. A perfect chance to earn some experience! I waited intently for one of them to get caught.

But then, near the trap, one of the goblins started sniffing around, and easily saw through the pitfall and other traps I’d prepared.

Ah, I see, so I need to hide my scent. Realizing my mistake, I was disappointed.

Then the goblins started pointing at the trap and bursting out laughing, as if to say, “what an idiot.”

Being mocked by those gobs made my face burn red with embarrassment.

Before I knew it, driven by anger, I jumped down from the tree and slammed the wooden stick I’d been using as a staff right into a goblin’s head.

They hadn’t noticed me hiding in the tree, so the goblins froze in shock when I suddenly appeared from above.

When I brought the wooden stick down, I felt a solid impact. The goblin I struck in the head collapsed like a puppet with its strings cut.

But I’d hit it so hard that the stick snapped in half.

There were three gobs in total, one down and two to go. Before the stunned pair could react, I launched a front kick aimed at the throat of one of the goblins, driving my raised sole forward like a spear.

There was a wet crunch as the goblin’s windpipe gave way, and it crumpled to the ground.

The last gob finally seemed to realize what was happening. Showing hostility towards me, the unexpected assailant, it let out a growl and swung its crude club at me.

Because the swing was wide and clumsy, it was easy to read. I calmly sidestepped and drove a straight punch right into its unguarded face.

“Hah!”

My fist connected squarely with the gob’s philtrum, and it went flying backward. I could feel the solid impact in my knuckles.

But the goblin staggered to its feet again. Right, their vital points aren’t the same as a human’s.

I realized my mistake and clicked my tongue.

Reeling, the goblin started swinging its club wildly. That first attack had been easy to dodge, probably because it had still been shaken up.

Wounded or not, a desperate goblin like this was dangerous. Sometimes sloppy, frenzied attacks can be harder to dodge than clean, practiced strikes.

Because it was shorter than me, the goblin’s attack arcs were harder to read. I decided to focus on dodging for a while. As my eyes got used to its movements, its stamina started to fade.

When its swings grew sluggish, I deliberately left an opening to bait it in. Matching a tired, sloppy strike with a counter was simple enough.

The club came down in a wide arc and hit only air. The goblin was wide open, and I chopped down hard on the back of its neck.

“Hiyaah!”

The hand strike sank deep into the gob’s nape. Its body shuddered once and froze in place.

Just to be sure, I followed up by driving my elbow straight down into the top of its skull.

“Yah!”

There was a wet crushing sound, and a sticky, viscous liquid oozed from the gob’s nose. It collapsed with a thud and stopped moving.

I kept my guard up and watched the other goblins carefully.

The first one I’d hit with the stick was dead with blood flowing from its head. Its skull must have split open. It lay face-down in a pool of its own blood.

The second goblin was still alive. Its throat had been crushed, and it was writhing in agony, unable to breathe. I stepped up to it and brought my heel down on its head to finish it off.

Then I backed up to a spot where I could see all three goblins at once, searching for any sign of monsters or animals drawn by the commotion.

Only when I hear no footsteps, sense no presence, or see that none of the gobs were moving, do I exhale.

I’d lashed out without even checking how strong goblins were. Now that I’ve calmed down, I regret it.

In plenty of stories, goblins are actually pretty tough. Acting on impulse like that was reckless. I seriously need to reflect on this.

Checking the loot, I find nothing but crude wooden clubs. What the hell? Normally they’d at least have a rusty knife stolen from an adventurer or something.

Wait a second. These guys don’t even have loincloths. They’re completely naked!

And I got mocked by these full-on exhibitionists? That hurts my pride in ways I didn’t know were possible.

Alright, time to focus and collect any evidence of slaying them.

In most isekai light novels, the proof for goblin subjugation is their ears, right? Staring down at the goblin corpses, I hesitate.

I’d like to take their ears just in case, but I don’t have a knife. I remember hearing that if you twist and pull the ear forward, it’ll tear off. Disgusting, but I give it a try.

The tear is messy, but I manage to get the ears off somehow. Still, these are going to rot, aren’t they? What should I do? Well, no helping it. I’ll put them near the drying rack I made for dried fruit and let them dry there.

Right, I should check my status too. After cutting off the goblin ears, I head back to my base and open my status screen.

When I first got reincarnated into this world, I was naked and panicking. Then I found a river, and near it, a nice hollow tree. I blocked the entrance with branches, covered it with leaves, and got myself a reasonably safe shelter.

With all that taken care of, I had finally time to check my status properly.

And this status screen was completely useless. It only showed level and skill. No helpful indicator for “the  experience to level up,” not even numbers for “Strength” or “Agility,” no HP or MP bars, nothing.

That’s all it had said. Does it even mean anything? And why was “karate” written in romaji?

What is this, some sketchy overseas “KARATE” dojo? Or a BABY*ETAL song title? As someone who’s practiced real karate for years, this pisses me off so much.

This must be that god’s doing. That bastard. This status screen is completely useless.

It annoys me every time I look at it, so I’d been avoiding checking it.

But now, after defeating those goblins, I take a look again.

Why did the pronunciation change like a foreigner saying it?! What the hell is “KARA-TE”? That god’s definitely watching me and trolling me right now! You’re the god of this world too, aren’t you?!

Calm down, me. Count prime numbers.

Still, my level went up. I can’t help but feel a little happy about that.

I’ll need to test my physical abilities later. From now on, I should hunt as many goblins as I can and keep leveling up.